Ceremonial Meltdown

This morning started pretty much like any morning.

Mini- Gwinn pooped through his pajamas and woke us up at 6:30 AM (he rarely wakes up this early these days). This was followed by a sheet change on the crib mattress, a wipe down of the baby, and a lot of laundry. We were up early, so I made bacon- egg muffins (wrap a piece of bacon around the inside of a muffin tin, fill with eggs. I added cheese, sliced green peppers, and a slice of tomato at the bottom of each cup. They were yummy). After a few cups of coffee and a nap for the kiddo, we went to the gym early. Laundry, cleaning, shower, etc. Nothing out of the norm.

Yesterday I was trying to figure out a way to buy a new Dyson vacuum cleaner without begging for one from Captain Laser Pants. We saw a smaller model at Costco for $299 and we pretty much absolutely need a new vacuum. This came to mind as I was standing in his bathroom, stealing Q- tips. I looked in his closet and saw, in the very back of it, a giant, white dress bag.

The past 365 days have held plenty of surprises, changes and shifts in our group of friends:  a baby (ours), four engagements, and a wedding. There are more of these events to come- with four engagements, we get to attend three more weddings. CLP was fitted for his tuxedo a couple weeks ago for a wedding in November. Before I met CLP, before I ever thought I would actually get married, I really enjoyed weddings. Bring a present, wear a pretty dress, get free food, dance with friends, and celebrate the couple. It’s an awesomely fun party. When CLP and I went to our first wedding together, my view on the event changed. I didn’t have the “bride bug”, per se, but I stopped liking weddings and started to love them. When you’re with the one you truly love, you love love (wow, that’s a lot of “love” going on there.). So, when I was planning our wedding, I was truly excited to celebrate our relationship with everyone. And wear a gorgeous dress.

So, 18ish months later, I’m standing in my husband’s bathroom, Q-tipping my ears, staring at my wedding dress bag, which is hiding in the back of his closet so I don’t have to look at it. The exquisite dress that I never wore hung with sadness. So I called up the bridal consignment store down the road to see if they’d take it off my hands. The potential sale meant a new vacuum, some bills paid, aka, it was a practical swap.

Weddings are hard for me now. I’m torn by my feelings of happiness for the couple and my feelings of sadness for not having a wedding of my own. When this attitude hits me I usually remind myself that I have what everyone (mostly everyone) wants: the happy marriage, beautiful baby, loving home and cooking skilllllllzzzzzzzzzz (that’s right. I said it.). I didn’t need the reminder of the never worn dress every time I wanted to swab my ears. So I took it to the store.

Of course, when I unzipped the dress bag, everyone in the store gasped. This dress is gorgeous, seriously. Here’s a link to it, courtesy of Allure Bridals. My shoulders are broader than my hips, and the shape of the dress isn’t flattering on everyone, but when it’s the right body, holy moly. I don’t think I look good in much, but I guarantee you, this dress is stunning on me. I half- jokingly asked the shop owner if I could visit it before it sold. She, and some of the shoppers in the store, assured me it wouldn’t be there long.

On the drive home it hit me. A year ago today would have been our wedding.

I fought back tears as I pulled into our driveway. Then I sent a text to CLP to remind him of the date. Then I told him I had taken the dress to the consignment store.

When we finally hashed it out, he surprised us both by being upset about the dress no longer being in our home. He said words that finally made the tears spill, “I wanted to see you, beautiful as you are, in the dress you loved so much … I never got to see you wear it.” After mini Gwinn got a good laugh at my crying (he crawled in my lap to giggle at me), I called the store and asked if I could come get my dress. She chuckled and said, “I knew you would have second thoughts. Absolutely, come get it. It’s yours!” She was kind and understood. Even if I never got to wear it, that gorgeous gown was my wedding dress.

Am I crazy for harboring disappointment in never having a wedding? Maybe. But I don’t claim to be sane. Every deserving lady should get to have one day where she wears an incredibly beautiful and expensive dress, gets to eat yummy cake made just for her, and has the opportunity to tell everyone she knows how much she loves her man. I’m still torn about the wedding I never had. It’s a bittersweet feeling- I have all the best things about a wedding in my marriage.

But I really wanted to wear a pretty dress and eat cake.

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About mombieconfessions

I am a sarcastic mom, tried and true INTJ, my DISC profile has a high D and C with low I and S, and I'm a quirky geek (love me some Star Wars, BSG, Firefly, Dr, Who and comic books!). When I grow up I want to be an Amazon warrior with super powers and an awesome costume. Music and literature are passions, cooking and baking are hobbies, and writing a blog (such as this one) is both a cathartic release and documentation of the growth of my family and myself. View all posts by mombieconfessions

8 responses to “Ceremonial Meltdown

  • stephenedwards425

    As a man, who unfortunately is not much of a romantic, I never understood the female fascination with the whole wedding dress, reception thingie…until now. What a well written post, quite obviously from your heart…and thank you for helping an old man “see.”

    Blessings to you and your young family…may you realize all your dreams.

    Be encouraged!

  • Cassie Jo

    You totally and completely should (and still can). There are no rules to this dear, so pick a weekend, invite family over and celebrate some love with cake! Or, make an awesome cake, and eat it while you wear the dress standing in your kitchen:) You can do anything you want to celebrate your love and happiness, make it happen:)

  • Stacy

    I agree. Have a party and wear that dress! You can renew your vows and have a small (cheap!) party with your close friends and family.

    A lot of people thought I was weird because the only thing that mattered to me was being married by a preacher. We set the date for the first week she could marry us and got everything ready within two weeks. I bought my dress on Wed & the wedding was on Saturday. My wedding cake was a Publix coconut cake with two Star Wars Action figures on top. We went out to eat at Ryans, right next to the church, with our families and left for 3 days in Savannah. It was THE most wonderful day of my life 🙂 The only thing that bothered me was that we were having so much fun on our honeymoon that I only took 3 pictures.

    https://www.facebook.com/media/set/?set=a.222623345462.279323.838675462&type=3

  • Southern Sea Muse

    The grass is always greener…after a day of standing around in an pretty but itchy dress eating cake, I couldn’t wait to get out of it all and get real. If I could do it over, I’d do it like you did it, then do the dress and cake later when it would have meant more, like it does for you now. 😀

  • mombieconfessions

    Thank you for the sweet replies, all! For me, now, with a baby and practical financial concerns, any sort of ceremony seems frivolous. Any money spent on an event, or food, or whatever, seems wasteful, especially considering there are much more important places our money should go. Asking friends and family to spend money (whether it be to buy something to wear, drive to us, etc) on an event where the couple is already married and settled seems selfish. On our actual anniversary (and our fake September anniversary) we’re just going to have fancy mini- cakes and remember what’s actually important: the wedding is just the entry way into the marriage. And our marriage is awesome.

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